There exist a gap between what I always wanted to be and what I am...

I sit here at 34 trying to reconcile the gap: trying to decide whether to close it or let it persist. You know how you have unlimited possibilities in front of you when you are young? You really think that every and anything is possible...then life happens a little more than it did the year before and you are not the person you always dreamed of being and it seems as if you never will be. The only problem with this is, I cannot seem to let go. Life happens and I get down on my knees, a little more buckled in my back than the day before. Yet, I still can't let go. I still can't reconcile myself to the possibility that I will never see the things I once dreamed in my youth (oh, I know I am still young in the grand scheme of things...but I am further from the young me that dreamed dreams that got up and danced before me and allowed me to touch them with my wobbly hands and a goofy grin). Life tells me to close the gap and accept what is: that some things will NEVER be. And, I really want to do this at times: it seems more prudent and wise. For what will I look like as an old lady with old dreams in my pockets and possibilities in my shoes? Will I look like a pathetic mess? Now as I write, that old lady doesn't look as pathetic as when I conjured her up in my thoughts. Actually she looks quite magical. But I digress, getting back to closing this gap.

So there I go wondering again how I will look to the masses. Wondering how I will look believing for something that may never be...How did Kurt Warner look to the masses stocking shelves at a grocery store with dreams of super bowls in his heart? Stupid? Maybe. Even crazy and a bit wishful? But I think the more important question is, "how did he FEEL dreaming those dreams while stocking those shelves?" He probably felt full in his heart: that dream probably kept him getting up every morning to do the mundane and dream killing task of stocking a shelf. There is something about a dream that feeds the soul. Whether the outcome is what I expect...the dream is nourishment to my deepest self...

So the gap question: what do I do with this gap between the me I dreamt and the me I am? Do I close the gap and fold it upon itself so that the matter of it's existence disappears into this elegant universe? Or, do I let it persist, knowing that in the dreaming I am fed? You see dreams keep me alive. They make me feel utterly beautiful and full of purpose. I know no other way to live. I think I have my answer: for me it's better to let the gap persist than to give up and resign myself to only "what is". Because that would be a place where possibility would cease to exist. And, if possibility did not exist, then what am I here for? What am I waking up day after day for? I certainly am not waking up for only, "what is". For "what is" was not yesterday...even "what is" existed in the realm of possibility the day before. So it seems to me that possibility is the fabric of our days and nights: It is just as real as atoms, the building blocks of our universe. Maybe it is what atoms are made of...POSSIBILITY.

Yes, the gap persists and lives on. And, I think that I am more comfortable in the gap, in this minute than I was before I penned this. Thanks to this moment I will boldly live in the gap! Viva la gap!!